i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
