help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
