his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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