Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
