Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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