He disabled his match.com account in front of me
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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