You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
