I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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