she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
