I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
