I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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