If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
