who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
