My liver just broke up with me...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Just high enough for therapy.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
