I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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