is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
