I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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