He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
