i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I could make wine with my vomit
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
