Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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