I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
