The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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