Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
