Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
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My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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