do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
