She went from zero to smokin in five shots
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
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Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize