I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
