i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
