if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
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The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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