I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
