I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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