I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
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She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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