saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
