at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
