How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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