she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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