What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
