Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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