I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
