Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
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