Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
