I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
