Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
