Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
God I need to hump something, right now.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
