careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
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Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize