I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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