He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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