not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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