Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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