remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Randomize