I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
