3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Nicole vs. Life
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
