A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We have so much sex to catch up on
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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